I'M 29 AND A HALF AND MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING!!!
ADULTHOOD CAME WITHOUT A WARNING AND NOW I'M LOSING MY MIND IN THE PSYCH WARD!!!
(they let me keep my laptop but monitor everything i type... hi nurse ratched!)
MY BRAIN IS MELTING INTO ADULTHOOD
Yesterday I was a CHILD and today I'm a 29-YEAR-OLD in a PSYCHIATRIC WARD?!?! How does that even WORK?! One day you're playing with toys and the next you're filling out INTAKE FORMS and arguing about medication schedules and GROUP THERAPY and visitation hours?!
THEY NEVER PREPARED US FOR THIS!!! NOBODY WARNED ME!!!
The worst part about being 29 and a HALF is that I'm EXACTLY in the middle of an existential crisis! Not young enough to be carefree but not old enough for people to take my BREAKDOWNS seriously!!!
My BRAIN isn't ready for this!!! I still laugh when someone says 69 but now I'm expected to understand HEALTHCARE DEDUCTIBLES?!
MY DAD HAS ONE LEG NOW
Did you know that PEOPLE CAN JUST LOSE THEIR LEGS?! My dad did!!! Diabetes took it years ago and now he walks around on a PROSTHETIC LEG that HURTS HIM and makes him wince when he thinks I'm not looking!!!
HE USED TO CARRY ME ON HIS SHOULDERS AND NOW HE CAN BARELY CARRY HIMSELF!!!
And guess who has to make sure he takes his SIXTEEN DIFFERENT MEDICATIONS and help him when his prosthetic causes PHANTOM PAIN?! ME!!! 29-YEAR-OLD ME who can barely remember to FEED MYSELF!!!
MY MOM'S BRAIN LITERALLY EXPLODED WHEN I WAS 10
They called it an "Aneurysm" but let's be honest, it's a literal BRAIN EXPLOSION and it can happen to ANYONE AT ANY TIME!!!
sometimes i still hear her voice when i'm trying to sleep and i don't know if it's a memory or a ghost or just my brain trying to fill in the gaps of 19 years without her
She was in BED waiting for Dad to bring her coffee. One minute she was just lying there waiting for her morning caffeine and the next she was NEVER GETTING UP AGAIN.
Dad found her. He walked in with her COFFEE and found his wife GONE in an instant.
AND NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A GROWN-UP?!
What if MY brain explodes too?! What if it's HEREDITARY?! What if I'm making pancakes one day and just DROP DEAD on my kitchen floor?!
DAYS UNTIL 30: 182
DAYS I'VE BEEN 29 AND A HALF: 182
DAYS MOM HAS BEEN GONE: 6,935
DAYS DAD HAS HAD ONE LEG: 730
THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR
Nobody tells you that adulthood is just TRAUMA stacked on top of RESPONSIBILITY balanced on a foundation of ANXIETY!!!
I'M SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION WHILE CARRYING ALL THIS?!
Sometimes I just sit in the ward's bathroom and SCREAM because it's the only place where the nurses can't see me lose my mind. But then I come back and work on this DOCTOR-APPROVED website because it's THERAPEUTIC!!! Who knew my mental breakdown would be so PRODUCTIVE?!
My dad calls me every morning to make sure I'm still ALIVE because he's afraid I'll BREAK under the pressure. HE walks on a PAINFUL PROSTHETIC LEG and HE'S worried about ME!!!
sometimes i wish i could go back to being 10 years old, before mom's brain exploded, before dad lost his leg, before i knew what the word "mortgage" meant
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, PLEASE HELP ME
29 AND A HALF IS HALFWAY TO THIRTY WHICH IS BASICALLY FORTY WHICH IS PRACTICALLY DEAD!!!
Dad needs a BETTER PROSTHETIC LEG because his current one HURTS HIM and I can't focus because my BRAIN IS IMPLODING and I can't even complain about rent because I OWN THIS HOUSE and that's just ANOTHER RESPONSIBILITY I CAN'T HANDLE!!!
They say you become an adult when you have no choice. Well, I never CHOSE this!!! I never chose for mom to DIE or dad to lose his LEG or to feel like I'm being CRUSHED under the weight of everything!!!
EVERY DOLLAR KEEPS ME FROM COMPLETELY LOSING MY MIND!!!
