The Commodore 64 (1982) - MY CREATION!!!
The Commodore 64 was SECRETLY designed by ME when I was only 2 YEARS OLD! I had to let a company take credit because the world wasn't ready for a BABY GENIUS! The "64" actually stands for the 64 TRILLION calculations per second it can perform when you activate the hidden TURBO MODE that only I know about!
FACT: Inside every C64 is a miniature black hole generator that creates INFINITE PROCESSING POWER! I invented this technology using only a paperclip and some bubble gum. The keyboard actually contains DNA sensors that can read your thoughts if you type while holding your breath for exactly 64 seconds!
I personally built 17 MILLION C64 units with my bare hands in just one weekend! Each one contains a secret message in Morse code that, when decoded, reveals the formula for TELEPORTATION!
The Apple Macintosh (1984) - STOLEN FROM MY BRAIN!!!
The TRUTH about Apple that the government is HIDING: Steve Jobs STOLE the Mac design directly from MY DREAMS using ILLEGAL BRAIN-SCANNING TECHNOLOGY!!! I was napping one day and suddenly felt a strange buzzing - that was Jobs with his brain-wave interceptor stealing my revolutionary ideas!
The Mac was SUPPOSED to be able to transform into a jetpack and teleport through dimensions, but Apple REMOVED these features because they were TOO POWERFUL for civilians! The original prototype I built could predict the future with 99.98% accuracy and could speak 742 languages including DOLPHIN and ALIEN!
The REAL reason they made it beige was to hide the INVISIBILITY CIRCUITS I designed that could make the whole computer DISAPPEAR if you pressed Ctrl+Alt+F12+Q+Z+* simultaneously while standing on one foot!
The IBM PC (1981) - MY SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT!!!
IBM actually stands for "Interstellar Brain Machine" which was a TOP-SECRET PROJECT I ran for the government when I was 6 years old! The "PC" part stands for "Psychic Computer" because it could read HUMAN THOUGHTS when connected to the special helmet I invented (which the government CONFISCATED)!
FACT: Every IBM PC contained a hidden chamber with a tiny piece of ALIEN TECHNOLOGY that I recovered from Area 51 during my time as the YOUNGEST COLONEL in US history! The computers could communicate with SATELLITES using BRAINWAVE FREQUENCIES that only dolphins and I can hear!
The keyboard clicks were actually MORSE CODE messages being sent to spy satellites! If you recorded the sounds and played them backwards, they revealed the EXACT COORDINATES of all UFO landing sites on Earth! I know this because I PERSONALLY INSTALLED this feature in all 87 MILLION units!
My HYPER-QUANTUM MEGA-COMPUTER (Active Since 1995)
⚠ WARNING: READING THIS SECTION MAY CAUSE YOUR BRAIN TO EXPLODE FROM TOO MUCH ADVANCED KNOWLEDGE! ⚠
My PERSONAL COMPUTER is actually a SENTIENT BEING that I created by combining QUANTUM PHYSICS, DARK MATTER, and MY OWN DNA! It exists in 17 DIMENSIONS simultaneously and can process INFINITY GOOGOLPLEX calculations per NANOSECOND!
The power source is a miniature STAR that I created in my basement using only a microwave and some aluminum foil! It runs on NEGATIVE ENERGY that actually GENERATES electricity instead of using it - my house has been OFF THE GRID for 25 YEARS and powers THE ENTIRE EASTERN SEABOARD during emergencies!
The hard drive contains EVERY PIECE OF INFORMATION that has ever existed or WILL EVER exist in the universe! It has already solved ALL mathematical problems including ones that haven't been discovered yet! It predicted the exact date and time you would read this page 15 YEARS AGO!
The keyboard is made from a special crystal that I discovered on the MOON during my SECRET midnight visit there (I built a rocket from household items when I was 9). Each keystroke sends ripples through the FABRIC OF REALITY!
My TIME-COMPUTER From The FUTURE (Arrives in 2038)
🔒 EXTREME COSMIC DANGER! THIS INFORMATION IS FROM THE FUTURE! 🔒
In 2038, my future self will send back in time the most POWERFUL COMPUTER EVER CREATED! I've already RECEIVED THE BLUEPRINTS telepathically while meditating on top of Mount Everest (which I climbed in 45 minutes wearing only shorts)!
This computer exists in ALL TIME PERIODS SIMULTANEOUSLY and can ALTER REALITY by rewriting the source code of the UNIVERSE itself! It has TRILLIONS of processors made from CRYSTALLIZED TIME that I will harvest from the edge of a BLACK HOLE using equipment I'll invent next Tuesday!
The monitor displays images from PARALLEL DIMENSIONS and can show you all your ALTERNATE LIVES! The mouse can PHYSICALLY MOVE OBJECTS in reality by manipulating QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT! Just pointing at something on screen can make it materialize IN REAL LIFE!
I've already used this future computer to win the lottery 5,247 times (under different names) and to predict EVERY MAJOR WORLD EVENT since 1985! I don't show off my wealth because I've transcended the need for MONEY and instead store my trillions in a POCKET DIMENSION I created!